There are few things in life over which we can exert no control, few things that you cannot change. As the saying goes, death and taxes are a certainty, two unavoidable occurrences that we all must bear. To some extent family meets this criteria. No matter your circumstance the biological reality is you have a single father and a single mother. Your blood relations are predetermined, and can never be changed. And yet the term “family” means so much more then genetic similarity.
Family is complicated. It includes networks of support; my wife, my friends, my mentor, these are family I have chosen for myself. But if you do not acknowledge biology as the characteristic that defines family, a point of determination is nearly impossible. There is no line drawn in the sand neatly dividing individual relationships into categories of family and other. Yet the individuals I choose to associate with are an indication of the person I am and the person I desire to be. The family I was born into are not. The family you choose is a statement of character, of values and goals. The family you are born into is a starting point, the beginning of your journey, not the distinctive moment of your adventure.
I will continue to pay taxes until I am no longer for this earth, and I will continue to live my life surrounded by the people I love, a family chosen through mutual consent. A symbiotic relationship of reciprocal support, shared understanding and genuine concern for each other. My family waxes and wanes, but there will always be those who love and are loved. I am grateful for the family, those individual who by hook or by crook have earned a place of distinction in my heart.
Today I set out to complete an impossible task. The day started as any other, jarred from my sleep by my alarm and off to work. But as my day wound down I attempted to force myself to find inspiration. I wanted to write this evening, but struggled to find a place to begin. On a desperate quest to locate a muse I failed to find my creativity.
Frequently, I write without a purposeful direction. With a simple glimmer of a thought I begin. The seed grows to an idea and expands until it has become something more. Often my beginning has very little relation to the final result, but suddenly I have before me the fruit of my labor. A thought put to words. The process is fluid not forced; the freedom to meander through my mind allows me to coalesce jumbled emotions and tangled expression into a coherent strand. It is the freedom to create without pressure that establishes the environment of creative success. The process takes time, and while I am grateful to have less available to me, this situation imposes an interesting predicament.
I enjoy writing, and enjoy the process I have developed. There are situations however, when constraints outside of my control require greater efficiency, but an efficient product is not a product I take pride in. My goal has never been to post something quickly, but to refine raw thinking, to soften edges and form an expression I cannot verbalize. An attempt to force inspiration will be met with abject failure, and a resulting product that values completion not polish. While time constraints may dictate the time I dedicate to writing they will not influence my work. Thank you for bearing with me on this journey, I owe it to those who read my thoughts to be true to my goals and objectives, and not give way to a self imposed pressure to finish.
This world is a strange and interesting place and yet it is easy to picture in black and white. As if a map to personal happiness is handed to every child and they need only follow the chosen path. When you are very young you create a vision of what the future holds. College, marriage, children are landmarks dotting this mythical guide. It all seems so very obvious; obvious until you realize the map you follow is a sham. Roads lead to unexpected sites, they jumble together and the lines become hazy. One day you simply look up, and for the first time, realize life is messy and far more complicated than you had ever imagined.
It is difficult to predict what will make you happy, what it is you will truly desire in the future. Life evolves, and its fluidity transforms the hopes and dreams of today into long forgotten, youthful exuberance. The years I have shared with my wife and the hardships I have faced create an opportunity to evaluate what is important. Family, friends, a purpose; the people, ideas and objects that bring joy into your life are all that matter. I have these things in place, I have my life on track. But getting here was a journey many years in the making, an exploration and adventure in understanding what constitutes who I am. And while I will continue to evolve I can’t help but recognize how lucky I am. I am surrounded by people who love and support me, people who genuinely care. Not everyone is propped up in such a way. To the souls who are wandering lost, and to those who are, at this very moment, deciding to turn off and try a new route, remember this; there is no compass to guide your path in this life more powerful then the feelings in your heart and thoughts in your mind. Care for these and you will always find your way home.
You may have noticed the past few days have been an unanticipated hiatus, an unexpected break from my thoughts. There have been a number of dramatic changes in my life, and as I continue this transition a variety of new tasks have appeared that occupy time, bring joy or distract.
The unfortunate reality is, these changes have not led to new inspiration, have not provided a creative spark. It seems a taste of suffering helps the spirit recognize the good that remains, and a small success overwhelms it. Struggle provides the motivation to discover positivity, supplies the perspective needed to find it and the desire to shout it from the rooftops. Now as I wade through my thoughts I find myself swimming in a shallow sea of ephemeral ramblings. With a mind enraptured by the here and now I lack substantitive issues to ponder.
I have found it not only unneccassry, but distinctly outside my purpose here to simply say “today was wonderful and it looks like more of the same tomorrow!” And yet when I fail to write I regret the lost opportunity. Life is to short to regret a situation I control, so while my emotions continue to adjust to my new reality I look for inspiration from without rather than within and hope this hurdle is a temporary exploration of a fickle mind.
Today was the first day at my new position and, thus far, it remains firmly entrenched on the pedestal I have placed it. The office environment is different than what I have grown accustomed to. From the moment I walked in the door their was an expectation that I was equipped to execute the duties of the position. It was refreshing to come into a position where my employer believes in my abilties as stongly as I myself do.
This is not to say that I have lacked support in prior positions, far from it. In my years of experience I have been able to learn from a number of tremendous professionals who cultivated my talents and shared their own expertise, yet somehow this was different. The assurance that, from the moment I walked through the door, I would be trusted. A belief that they understood who I am and what I offer them. If this is an indication of what I should expect this arrangement will be mutually beneficial for a very long time. It remains to be seen what the future holds, but at this juncture, I have every reason to believe the future will be grand.
ceful image is a window into my life over the past few days. A calm before the storm as I patiently await the next professional journey. For months I sat in this very chair but never seemed to notice how comfortable I find it. For months I sat in front of this very computer without realizing that life had slowed down. My time had passed by at a frenzied pace, because I had forced it, had not stepped back to enjoy it, but this phase has come to a close. The constant bustle of resumes and cover letters has let way to the simple enjoyment of the sights and sounds of this life. I can look out the window and actually see the scenery that surrounds me, and take the time to enjoy it. I am now waiting, but the context is completely different. No longer wracked with worry I am free to pursue life with renewed vigor. This peaceful existence has been pleasant. It was exactly what I needed, but I would never have recognized it. Soon it will all be over, as I rise from bed and return to work.
Thank goodness I don't need these anymore, they wont fit in the overhead...
I have had the time to take a deep breath and release with it the tension inflicted by months of worry. The relief has been indescribable. The great struggle of my life has evolved from an oppressive and seemingly endless search to a failed attempt at containing the smile that seems a permanent fixture on my face. It has made life a bit more enjoyable, rising from bed each morning a little better, knowing what tomorrow holds. There is a new spring in my step as I finally have good news to report. I find myself wishing someone would ask the very question I once dread; ”how is the job hunt?” What once inspired apprehension now presents the opportunity to unpack the baggage tied to my back, to unload the burden and enjoy the liberating moment one final time.
I am searching for ways to harness this positive energy. I know that soon the gloss will fade as excitement over the perfect offer transitions to a dedicated approach to my new responsibilities, in the meantime, I simply want to enjoy the company of good friends and revel in my new found happiness. I will not soon forget the support, love and kindness shown throughout this tedious adventure. It meant the world to me to have such wonderful people to hold me up, offer their hand and carry me through. And yet, after months of their heart felt support, having leaned upon them for council and sympathy, I now seem the object of their pride. I was able to persevere only because of them, now I only hope not to disappoint. Thank you one and all for your patience, understanding and generosity, you are the crutch that keeps me standing through difficult times.
Late yesterday afternoon I was offered and accepted the ideal position with a wonderful group of people. I am, of course, elated. My wife frequently reminds me there is meaning hidden behind every hardship, now that I can see the promised land with my own eyes, I can see she was right. This particular hardship, losing my job and struggling to recover, lead directly to life changes that have set my life back on the track from which it had derailed. I have returned to what has become my home, I found the perfect opportunity for professional growth, reunited with old friends and approaching life with a renewed vigor. The past months have certainly been difficult, but in looking at what lies ahead I can understand that it needed to be this way. My personal hardships have propelled me to where I want to be, and I have grown stronger from the struggle.
What happens when you out grow who you used to be? When you have experienced so much, that over time, you evolve into a form that only vaguely reflects who you once were. The change occurs gradually, but the realization is sudden. A personal form of Kafka’s Metamorphosis, you awake one morning drastically changed, but the world around you remains static, unchanged.
This personal evolution of course has an affect on relationships. Some draw closer, others slowly drift apart as new relationships form, friends and family who never knew the form you once inhabited. I suppose this is what personal growth is, as we change so too must those with whom we spend our time. Different goals, different dreams require a changed system of support and an altered perspective, a new understanding from those around you.
My metamorphasis leaves me to ponder a simple question, would the person I am recognize the person I was? I am unsure, and wonder if perhaps if I perfer the answer be no. My transformation has created new happiness in my life, an increased level of understanding of who I am and what I desire. There will always remain a trace of yesterday, a faint longing for another time when life was simplier, but my life today is far more rewarding than ever before and that is a product of who I have become, not the shell that remains in the past. Would I recognize the person I was, yes, I believe I would, but as I continue to evolve, as my journey through life changes me for the better it becomes harder and harder to do so. Perhaps when all is said and done and I look back on life across the arms of a rocking chair, I will not. That would make an old man smile.
Lately I feel a bit like everything has turned up roses. I have long believed that news, good or bad, comes in bunches. Recent news has been dominated by good. Perhaps this is further indication that my proclamation to focus on the positive is providing continued returns, or perhaps it is simple luck, in either case it is my sincere hope the pattern continues.
I had a wonderful interview for a position I truly want. I believe it is the one I have been searching for, the Holy Grail, where I will be happy and they will be glad to have me. I presented my skills well, established rapport, and even enjoyed the process of interviewing with this organization. For now I must believe I am their best candidate, because in my own mind, I clearly am. Confident? Perhaps, but I choose to think of it as remaining focused on the positive. The position is perfect, and I refuse to see that another candidate could be a more appropriate selection.
In the meantime I will continue to look and move forward. I have no choice because despite my positivity, I must remain focused on the task at hand. I trust the details to fall in place. But a cautious mind prompts me to prepare for the unlikely chance it does not. The past few days have been wonderful, a fond remembrance of what it is like to enjoy gainful employment. But the efforts must be redoubled once again to ensure my successful return to normalcy.
